Grief.

For 22 years of my life, I rarely became acquainted with the idea.
In the last 18 months, grief has become one of my best friends. A constant companion almost.
As you may or may not know, I lost my Mother on June 3rd, 2011 after a lengthy battle with cancer. It was at this point that I became very familiar with grief and the process of dealing with grief.

Over the last few months, several people that I love and respect have lost loved ones and they too have become familiar with grief. These events have caused me to think deeply about my grieving process, and also the lessons that I learned through the process. I felt now was a good time to share this insight, so here it goes.

1) Grief is different for everyone:

 One thing we have to realize about grief is that the process is not the same for everyone. I chose to put this point first, because it is important to view the subsequent points through an individual lens. What I share about my experience may not be the same as what you are experiencing right now. With that being said, this is important because it helps us focus on the people around us. When someone close to you dies, it is likely that you will know other people who are also affected by the death of that person. For example, my immediate family. My dad lost his wife and best friend, my sister lost her mother, etc. We all experienced loss at the same time, and we all were dealing with grief at the same time. Looking back, I can see two major mistakes that I made during this time: I was insensitive to the grieving process of my family members, and I viewed them through the prism of my grieving process (Essentially I expected them to grieve as I did).

2) Grief must be engaged:

Grief is a process. In every sense of the phrase, it is a process. There are phases that you will go through. Progress you will make. Back and forth, up and down. Essentially an emotional roller coaster. But here is the key, you MUST engage in the process. You must engage the emotions, the memories, the pain, and also the joy. Believe it or not, joy does exist in the process. It is by engaging the process that healing will come about.

3) Grief leads to growth:

The grieving process is a unique opportunity for growth. It cannot be recreated. It is not something you can learn by reading a book or watching a movie. It is an environment where God can do a wonderful work in your heart and grant you a powerful perspective on life and on Him. Let me put it this way: I learned more about life in the year following my Mothers death, than I did in the previous 22 years of living.

Death is a certainty. If you live long enough, then you will likely experience the death of a loved one. And the longer you live, the more it is going to happen unfortunately. I hope my experience helps you in the future. And know this, although the grieving process is difficult, healing WILL come.

I find that I learn some of the most profound life lessons when I am at work. So I was at work the other day, and I took a quick break to write down some more items on my To-Do List.

You see, I am one of those people. I am a list person. I have a To-Do list that is constantly updated containing Long Term and Short Term things To Do. Needless to say my life is contained on my list.

And if you are a list person, and you are reading this then what I am about to say will probably resonate with you: There are few things more satisfying than a completed To Do list.

Anyway, back to work. So I was at work and I got to thinking about life as it pertains to my To Do list. I have a lot of goals and things I want to do with my life. But as I mentioned in my previous blog, Time, you only have so much time and how you choose to spend your time defines who you are as a person.

And then it hit me-
Life is more than a completed To Do list.

Life is so much more.

Consider this- Lets say you have a “Bucket List” which is pretty much a glorified To Do list. And you spend your whole life completing things on your list. Do you really think this will lead to a fulfilled life? Consider the minimal amount of time you would spend completing the events on your list. Consider the large amount of time you would spend doing the menial tasks of life, the little things.
I find that the truly special experiences in my life are unplanned and spontaneous. Additionally, I find that special times occur because of special people. I have said this once and I will say it again: People matter most.. Always.

And that is the key. The life lesson is that our focus should be on people, not on our To Do list.

Consider this scenario: You are given $10,000 a week to spend however you like. The only caveat is that you cannot save it. You MUST spend the $10,000 a week or it vanishes at the end of the week.

What would you do? Would you travel? Would you spend it on family? Would you give it away?

Next question: What is the most precious resource we have on this planet?

I imagine your mind is racing so let me guide it for a moment. Think about this question in the context of your relationships.

At this point you have probably determined where I am going with this (or you noticed the title).
Additionally, if you have experienced the loss of the loved one then I am certain that you know what I am talking about.

You see, the scenario and the question both relate to time.

1 week consists of 7 days at 24 hours per day with 60 minutes in an hour. Quick calculation shows you that 7 x 24 x 60 = 10,080

10,080 minutes in a week. (I used 10,000 in the scenario just to keep it simple)

In a week we have over 10,000 minutes and we must choose how to use them.
This becomes compounded by the fact that nearly 3,000 of those will be spent sleeping. (7 hours each night)

Here is the point I am trying to make- How you spend your time determines your priorities. It determines who you are. It determines who you become. It determines the quality of your relationships.

Time can never be replaced. It is more precious than any gift you can give someone. To give someone your time means that you are giving them something that you can NEVER take back. And that principle applies to both good and bad things.

Consider the phrases “Spending time” and “Wasting time”- The both describe exactly what you are doing!

You are either spending your time in a worthy pursuit, or wasting your time on something worthless.

 

I have discovered over the years through personal experience and talking with others that we as Christians have trust issues. We find it hard to trust God with many of the details of our lives. Relationships, finances, jobs, school.. etc.

A thought struck me the other day, which addresses this issue of trust-

Consider that for a moment.
We trust God with something eternal, but can’t trust Him with something that is temporary.
When you accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior you essentially said-
 “God, I trust that what You say is true and now my salvation is secure.”

The magnitude of trusting God with our salvation is unmatched!
Nothing we face in this life compares to that decision.. But even still, we struggle to trust Him.

Why is that? Why do we struggle to trust God with all aspects of our life?
Here are a few reasons I thought of

Pride– Our sin nature manifests itself as pride in this case. We believe that we can handle the other aspects of life. God was good for salvation, but He can sit on the sideline for everything else.

Ignorance– We are ignorant of the fact that God wants us to trust Him with all things. We deceive ourselves and think that God is not concerned with all of the aspects of our lives.

Earthly Trust Issues– Sometimes we allow the earthly trust issues that we have with people influence our relationship with God. Maybe it is a trust issue with a parent. Maybe it is the fact that you have been burned over and over again by close friends. Regardless of what caused it, you have unresolved trust issues that influence your relationship with God.

So how do we remedy this?

Pray– Pray for opportunities to trust God more. Pray for faith to trust God more. Talk to God and build a relationship with Him!

Be Informed– Ignorance is never an excuse. Regain a BIG view of God. Constantly challenge your view of God. Never settle for a small view of God.

Resolve Earthly Trust Issues– This may be one of the more challenging things to do. If you have unresolved issues, then you must address them. They are affecting your walk with Christ.  They are robbing you of the abundant life Christ promised. They are decreasing your effectiveness in reaching others. Plain and simple. Unresolved issues are a disease that will tear you apart if you let them. 

 In closing my hope and prayer is that you will trust God with all of the aspects of your life.

– B